this is me one month before I took the drug Lyrica and now I cant lose the weight.

Its really sad that a woman my age has lost her self confidence. I remember when the crap hit the fan and I had no place to go.  A wonderful employee and a good friend Rusty who was there for me, spent 3 days straight helping me pack up my house. I then moved into my brothers basement with my boys who consisted of 2 cats, Joey and Merrit and 2 small dogs Eddie and Charlie.

I was in shock my first night sitting in my brother’s basement.   This wasn’t where I thought I would be in life. I had  been to University, to tech school a couple of times.  Business was my dream.  Before I met Leonard I had started an online dating website, it was just in the beta stages but I put it on hold, I was going to come back to it while I helped him with his business.  I thought if I help him he will help me. What a fool I was, it still makes me want to throw up.

The books for the Papa Johns Pizza Store had not been finished and I thought I needed to finished those in case Revenue Canada wanted to do an audit. LOL I don’t know what I was thinking at that time.  I was a complete mess probably temporarily crazy. I sat in that basement entering data into Quickbooks.  I guess it gave me something to do, but really it was taking a knife and stabbing myself over and over again. Over the last 3 years I have never been able to get away from this situation. It haunts me on a daily bases even today.

I had to file for bankruptcy. Bankruptcy an action I never thought would happen to me. Mind you I never thought I would be homeless either.  Prior to meeting Leonard  I owned my home, with no debt except the little mortgage left.  Both my parents had died in 2003 which meant I was an orphan.  I had moved back to my home town and planned to take care of my mother while she was dying.  I ended up fixing up the family home. So when I met Leonard, I owned my home, the family home, and  had access to over $250,000 of credit. I lost it all.  I was filing for BANKRUPTCY.

I drove from Regina to Saskatoon to file for my bankruptcy, I used Karl Bueckert of Pinder, Bueckert and Associates because he was Leonards Bankruptcy Trustee. Ahhh see Leonard was bankrupt the whole time I was with him, he neglected to tell me that when we had met. He had also lied to me the whole time we were together saying he was cleared of his bankruptcy, so when I set up companies and made him a director that was wrong.  This man sat in front of a Judge lol saying he didn’t know me, that I was in business with his mother…….. as he lived in my house.

When I relive this my self confidence is non existent because I think how could I be so stupid? I eventually filed for bankruptcy.  My brother was so happy to move me out of his basement about 6 months later. I guess he must have thought I should have been able to get past this situation.  Grief  has no timeline.  PTSD wasn’t even on the radar for me. I do understand why men commit suicide  when they lose their business. Its embarrassing, humiliating, shameful to say the least.

When you meet someone for the first time the question they ask is “What do you do for a living”? I haven’t been on a date for years. Don’t even ask how long it’s been since I have had sex, never in my lifetime would I think I would be “Celibate“.  I don’t have anything to offer anyone.  I’ve dated a lot in my day.  It boils down to how you look and what you have to offer financially. I’m hooped now LMAO

I better start working on my sense of humour, its there deep down somewhere.